I was looking over my schedule last night for today’s to-do’s. Like a brick – it suddenly hit me.

20 years ago today, October 15, 1989 I was sitting in a bar watching my Pittsburgh Steelers beat up on Bernie Kosar and the Cleveland Browns. After the game I walked across the street to my local AA Home Group, drunk. It was there I stood up and announced that I would be going into Rehab the next day and I would be back in 4 weeks clean and sober.

Little did I realize at the time that I wouldn’t pick up another drink or drug for the next 20 years. To even speculate something like that was far to immense.

If there’s one thing I can think of that’s kept me from picking up all these years – it’s the battle I endured while in detox the first couple of days in Rehab. I can still remember the cold sweats, the shaking, and the craving for a drink like it was yesterday. It’s something I’ll never forget. (And something I’m not willing to go through again.)

I was a functioning alcoholic. I drank from the time I woke up to the time I passed out at night. I didn’t do anything without a beer in my hand and when I sobered up, I had to re-learn everything – this time sober. It was like my right arm had been chopped off and I had no clue how to do anything without the aid of a beer in hand.

1989 was my second shot at rehab. I went for all the wrong reasons 3 1/2 years earlier for my parents who gave me an ultimatum early in 1986. However, I had just turned 21 the year before, and I certainly had no intent of giving up alcohol at that time. I “managed” my drinking for a while, but was soon back to the same ol’ same old when I finally called it quits just 3 1/2 years later.

I was also a very mean drunk. You didn’t want to mess with me back then – or even kid with me. Look at me the wrong way, and I’d find a way to make your life pure hell. I damaged a lot of relationships back then.

Thanks to AA and the 12 step program I still use to this day in my everyday life, I made amends to those I hurt and today, I have great relationships with family and old friends. While the 12 Step Program was designed and created for alcoholics – the same steps are used today for gambling, food disorders, even sexual additions that destroy your own quality of life as well as others.

Some say people can never change. I’m living proof that you can. The trick is a willingness to change. You can’t do it for someone else, you can’t do it for superficial motives, and you can’t do it under your own conditions. Change means just that, and when someone makes a drastic change like drinking it’s a whole new way of thinking, acting, and doing.

Life isn’t perfect now that I’m sober. I still have my share of problems and adversity. Because of my experience and the ability to use the tools I acquired during my recovery, I’m far better equipped to handle the challenges that life throws my way. I’ve learned to trust my own instincts and do what’s best for me and my family regardless of how difficult or bad it might look to others. Most importantly, I’ve learned who I need listen to, and who needs to be taken with a grain of salt when it comes to dealing with problems that arise.

If someone tells you what they think – you can take it or leave it. But if someone tells you something from experience – you better listen.

Because I live my life sober today, I handle and deal with life much differently. I look at things rationally and logically without the cloud of alcohol or drugs. I also deal with issues instead of trying to hide from them or drown them in alcohol. It may not be comfortable, and it may not turn out exactly the way I want, but with every adversity and challenge there is a lesson to be learned which I grow from and makes me a better person.

Micheal Keaton stared in “Clean and Sober” back in 1988. I rented the movie just before I went into rehab. I have to admit, it was a tough movie for me to watch. It hit home on so many levels and is by far the most authentic depiction of the struggles of addiction and getting clean. As the credits rolled at the end of the movie the song Domino, by Van Morrison played. I remember sitting there, stunned at the course of my life at that time.

The morning I drove up to the rehab center, where I would be spending the next 28 days, Domino came up on the radio as we entered the driveway. I asked if I could sit there and listen to the song for a minute as I thought about what I was about to experience and if this song playing at this time had any special meaning for me.

I can tell you that 20 years later, it still does.

I can’t remember the last time I wanted to pick up a drink. It’s just not an option for me. But I don’t think there’s a day that goes by without thinking about being a recovering alcoholic. It’s not something that I need to hide from – or feel compelled to force down anyone’s throat. It’s a choice I made for myself. I have family members and friends who are able to drink responsibly and I’m certainly not going to allow normal behavior or responsibility force me into hiding or prohibit me from living a normal life. I’ve learned to co-exist with alcohol just as long as it’s not consumed by me.

Sobriety has taught me tolerance – it’s given me strength and wisdom – and it’s change my whole outlook on life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If you would have told me back then however, that I would write something like this today, I don’t know if I would have believed you.

But here I am…clean and sober for 20 years. And all it took was one day at a time.

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